Highly Impractical Hearts
by asiamontana
Summary: Dirk and Roxy have been best friends and roommates since the game ended. They are thrown back into Earth culture in the year 2013, and they're doing their best to adjust. When Roxy gets a marriage proposal from her new boyfriend (OC - Patrick Davis), her friendship with Dirk falls under a bit of a strain, for reasons he can't quite put his finger on.


_**"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." – Wizard of Oz**_

* * *

Roxy called Dirk late on Friday night. Her little heart pounded, tears streamed down her face. She waited until she heard a groggy greeting to squeal into the phone, "Dirk, I'm engaged!" She bounced up and down waiting for his tired brain to comprehend the words.

"What? Rox, it's fucking 3 in the morning… You're.. Wait, you're what?" The groggy voice said on the end of the line. There was faint static threatening the quality of the call, but enough to talk through.

"I'm engaged! Patrick proposed!" Roxy nearly shrieked, Patrick himself laughing next to her.

There was a too-long pause on the other end of the line.

"Dirk?"

"Proposed...? And you said yes?" Dirk asked, finally.

"Yes?!" Roxy said, laughing. "Of course I did!"

On the other end of the line, Dirk sat up in bed. His room was entirely dark, lit only by the bit of light his cheek allowed past from his iPhone screen. "That's great, Roxy." Dirk said, unenthusiastically. "Are you sure, though? You aren't drunk, are you?"

"Dude, I don't drink anymore, you know that. Of course I'm sure! I love Pat! I really do…" Pat leaned over to kiss her chastely but Roxy lingered. "Damn, Dirk. Get excited."

He forced a smile, hoping she could hear it in his voice. "No, no, that's awesome Roxy. Really. If you're happy, I'm happy for you. Both of you."

"Thank you! Also I am not coming home tonight, okay? I'll see you tomorrow!" Roxy hung up and immediately climbed on top of her fiancé. "God, I love you.."

Dirk stared at his phone screen. He was happy for Roxy, really. She was his best friend and his roommate, he wanted for her what she wanted, and Pat was a good guy…. But for some reason he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't quite place his finger on.  
"Fuck." He whispered before sliding his phone back onto the nightstand and going back to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Roxy kissed Patrick goodbye at the door. "See you later, Mrs. Roxy Davis." Roxy bit her lip to keep from squealing in his face. "Bye," She responded bashfully. When she closed the door she turned around and ran into Dirk's room.

* * *

_Roxy slammed the door of Dirk's room open. "Hi." She said, smiling seductively. Dirk's jaw dropped. _

_She was wearing a short pleated skirt and a button-up shirt, open to expose a lacy pink bra underneath. She opened her eyes wide, putting a finger against her bottom lip. _

_"Dirk…" she whispered, strolling towards him and playing with the hem of her skirt._

_"Uh.. Yeah?" He asked, flipping back the covers. She sat down next to him, her long, slender legs dangling off the bed. (Both of them conveniently ignored the fact that he'd gone to bed naked.)_

_"You're very handsome…" She whispered, leaning close to him, her enormous, bare breasts pressing against him. (Where did her shirt go?)_  
_"...Very, very handsome. Almost as handsome as my new fiance." She said, her face contorting suddenly into a wicked smile. _

_Patrick appeared behind her, looming out of the darkness, and swept her up into a tight embrace. They starting kissing passionately, pausing for breath to laugh at Dirk, who was gaping in horror and shrinking smaller and smaller into the bedsheets. Patrick slid his hands down, pulling Roxy's hair and caressing her suddenly naked body to cup her breasts. Roxy began moaning breathily - "Patrick.. Oh, Patrick! I love you so much, Pat… You're so handsome…"_

_"No! Stop!" Dirk protested, struggling not to be lost between the wrinkles in the sheets as he shrunk still smaller. They, in turn, were growing, towering above him, their voices echoing, taunting._

_"Tell me more, Roxy, Baby..."_

_"Oh Pat... You're so much better than Dirk.. I love you so much more… Oh- Oh! P-Patrick… So much better than Dirk… You'll never leave me like Dirk… Dirk… Dirk..."_

* * *

…"DIRK." He jolted awake, to see Roxy sitting on the edge of his bed, in her usual clothes. She had an amused expression on her face, and last night's makeup was still on her eyelids - although her lipstick was suspiciously smeared away. "Nice moaning. Who were you dreaming about, Channing Tatum?" She snickered.

"Shut up." He muttered, and shoved his head under a pillow.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of. Channing is a babe." She said laughing more to herself. "Want breakfast?"

Dirk's face was still covered with his pillow. (Goddammit.) "No." He muttered, his voice muffled. His boner was officially dead. He suspected it would stay dead for a while. Since when did he dream about girls? Since when did he dream about _Roxy?_ And since when did he give a shit who she dated? Or got engaged to…

He bolted upright. "Rox, was I dreaming, or did you really get engaged last night?"

She bounced onto the bed and shoved her tiny left hand into his face. "Nope! No dream!" Her ring wasn't huge, Patrick wasn't rich and Roxy wouldn't have wanted a bigger one anyway. It had a small diamond in the middle and two opals on either side. Roxy wiggled it so it sparkled in the light. "Isn't is beautiful?"

"Fuck." Dirk exhaled - To Roxy's ears, an exclamation of awe, in actuality the realization of what deep shit he was in. Great timing, subconscious. "That's.. It's fuckin gorgeous, yeah." (Did her eyes ever shine that brightly before…?)

"Thanks," Roxy said, relaxing looking at it. She turned to him, smiling softly. "So definitely no?"

"On breakfast? Actually, I changed my mind." He said, climbing out of bed and pulling some jeans on, abandoning any hope that he'd had of falling back to sleep. Luckily, he hadn't actually slept naked. "Grab me some Fruit Loops or something?"

"Okay," Roxy wandered to their tiny kitchen. She poured Fruit Loops and orange juice, bringing them back to Dirk's bed, passing the cereal to him. Her smile was small and distant.

Roxy sighed softly and sipped her drink, crossing her legs. She was content, she decided. Patrick was a good guy, and her life would be normal and boring. She's had too much excitement for a lifetime. How would Roxy tell Patrick she had been a part of the apocalypse no one remembered? That was a problem for another day. She hummed softly and sipped her juice again.

"Thanks." Dirk grunted, taking the cereal from her small (well-manicured, soft) hands and shoving a spoonful of it in his mouth gracelessly.

He glanced at her from under furrowed eyebrows. Humming? He swallowed, wiped milk from his lips with the back of his hand and said, "You seem very happy about this. No regrets, I hope?"

"I think…" She trailed off, thinking of the right words. "I think he'll be good for me." Roxy's smile was blinding, not big and toothy, more like looking into the sun.

Dirk nodded, a smile coming to his own features upon seeing her so happy. She hadn't looked this madly in love since… Well, since she poured her heart out to him and he broke it, with the news that he was strictly into dudes. He couldn't exactly hate Patrick - as long as he was being sweet to Rox, he was being better to her emotionally than Dirk himself had been.

"He better be."

Roxy's smile split her face in half and she gave Dirk a tight hug. "I'm getting coffee, want some?"

"I'll go with you if you wait a few minutes." Dirk said, hugging her back a little more tightly than usual.

She rolled out of bed gracefully and ran her hands through her hair, mussing it just enough to look hot and effortless as walked to her wardrobe. "Yeah, okay. I gotta change anyway." She pulled her shirt off, exposing her favorite bra, fitted perfectly (with a little lift). She pulled at her tights and skirt ungracefully as she changed, jumping into jeans and pulling on a smock.

Dirk averted his eyes quickly, reaching for his shades and jumping out of bed.

What the fuck was going on? He didn't even like girls… Right?

Shouldn't he have dealt with this questioning shit when Roxy was head over heels for him?

Whatever. It was just a fucked up dream.

He glanced over at her from the corner of his eye. She looked like Roxy, same as always. Beautiful, sweet, but decidedly female. He sighed in relief. Yeah, he was still gay. Totally. 100%. That was a close call, but nah man, he definitely liked dicks.

He didn't even like anime skirts. _Those_ were gay. Or actually, straight. Fuck being straight, man. Even though it was odd that he had dreamt about Roxy's favorite bra. Since when did he notice the bras Roxy wore…?

By the time he was through with this swirling thought process, he had pulled on one of his signature black tank tops and a pair of probably clean skinny jeans he'd found in the hamper, and they were crossing the street outside their apartment building.

"Hey." He said, extending a hand for Roxy to hold as they cut across traffic.

Yep, that was a close alarm, but no need to worry. _Definitely_ still gay.


End file.
